20 Mar Go the F**K to Sleep!
Sleep.
A basic biological need, actually a necessity, for any creature on the planet to live.
Although by definition it is not a luxury item, many of us would happily shell out thousands of dollars just for the opportunity to have one full night’s sleep!
And by many of us, I mean the tens of millions of mums around the world who walk around each day in a trance that can only be likened to one of the worst tequila hangovers of your life, day in and day out. Your putting one foot in front of the other with an IV drip of caffeine dragging behind you, and the singular goal of keeping the tiny humans alive until the next night of no sleep!
They say sleep deprivation is a form of torture, a technique that has lasted through the ages as a way to slowly watch your victim take on the effects of cognitive psychosis like hallucinations. Much like the ones mums have when they have a lapse in consciousness and think ‘tonight will be the night they will sleep though!’ (pfft!)
But the truth is, it is torture. It is one of the worst things I have experienced in my entire life and some days I feel like I am barely able to live to tell the tale of the last night’s nocturnal antics (and I assure you its far from the kinky doona dancing kind!).
I have been blessed with two beautiful daughters. Both who from the minute they arrived into this world made me feel love that I never knew could exist. They have met their milestones with flying colours, in fact excelled in many areas. They eat well, crap well, play well and tantrum like Oscar winning actresses. But the one thing they both missed in their pre-birth planning was the memo on how to bloody sleep!
BOTH my kids don’t sleep. Not one; BOTH!
Not the, you had a bad run with the first one so the second one will definitely be a better sleeper. Ah…nice try. Nope.
I’m not talking about the occasional night waker either. That, I could handle, as that’s all part of the ‘mum life’. I get kids wake sometimes, for many a reason but this is different. My kids wake up ALL night…. Every damn night. And when I mean ALL night, my first-born brought her strongest A-game the infamous night she had us up 18 times in one evening. Our average would be around 8+ times each night, with occasional periods of being awake for anywhere up to 2 hours. They regularly tag team, when we finally get one back to sleep the other one is calling for our immediate attention. Requests include replacement of dummy in mouth, searching for lost comforters, nurturing following an uncomfortable fart, boobie milk and assistance to reach a drink of water that is approximately 2 feet away from them. This cycle has been going on for over 3 years now.
I have to give enormous credit to my husband who regularly helps get up to the screaming baby banshees despite having to work the next day. I regularly mutter ‘It’s definitely your turn’, as I poke him in the eyeball (its dark & I just take a random stab at whatever’s in arms reach) and quietly sob into my pillow about when this night hell will end. Just please GO THE F**K TO SLEEP!
You see it takes its toll. Very quickly. Night after night of none or broken sleep quickly claims everything about you as a human being. It has been the root of terrible, irrational fights between my husband and I as we both regularly enter a state of utter exhaustion. It has impacted my ability to be the mum that I want to be to my girls as it takes away all my patience, motivation and ability to act rationally over spilt sultanas, or being accused of providing the wrong coloured water cup or having to listen to the episode of Peppa Pigs holiday over & over & over again.
But most seriously of all is that it’s the root of my terrible anxiety and Post Natal Depression. Sleep deprivation has the capacity to make everything so much worse, just because of the sheer fact your brain is so depleted of one of its most basic and important needs, it simply just can’t handle all its responsibilities anymore. Sanity has checked itself right out of here!
So what is the answer?
Is there ever going to be an end in sight to these long dark nights and fog-ridden days? Who knows! I have however, taken what I believe to be a very important step toward some possible reprieve. This is a huge milestone for me as I am an extremely independent and proud person who likes to always think she has her shit well and truly together. But the reality is I don’t. I don’t have it together, I am slowly falling apart and so is my marriage, my relationship with my children and the patience of my dear friends who listen to me sob down the phone day in and day out. So…….. I have asked for help.
I have reached out to some very experienced professionals and fighting back tears asked them to please try and help me, help us. I have heard some incredible stories from other parents who have gone into varying forms of infant sleep programs and illuminate how it changed their lives forever. So why couldn’t I potentially be one of them? It has not been a decision we have made lightly but I have bitten the bullet and we are now due to be admitted for a 4 nights sleep observation. To say I’m palm sweatingly nervous is an understatement. To say I have not wanted to pick up the phone 20 times today and cancel our admission is a lie. I have wanted to and nearly did. I have put myself through hell with self-doubt and feeling like a failure. The biggest critics of mums are ourselves! But I need to cut the shit and get on with it. I am not a failure; I’m a mum wanting what’s best for my family. Round the corner waiting for me could be the game changer. A chance to help our little family function a little better each day and restore a hint of normality that we are yet to understand.
Round the corner could be a full night’s sleep!
And isn’t that the ultimate dream.
Stay tuned!
About the Author
Skye is a trained Speech Pathologist and a stay at home mum to her two young daughters Amaya and Iyla. Skye’s difficult struggle with severe sleep deprivation and PND since becoming a mum 3 years ago prompted her to share her raw battle of the crazy mum-life in hope her journey will support others!
Website:http://www.mummystylin.com
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