31 Jul THE WORDS YOU’RE NEVER READY FOR – PART 2
I am usually a very independent, mentally and emotionally stable person (some may call it stubborn and controlling), so working up the courage to tell my partner and people close to me about PTSD was extremely hard and I really didn’t tell many people, and still haven’t– I thought I’d just delve into my personal life and post it on the internet instead.
I felt vulnerable, weak and pretty pathetic that I was spending time away from Zach and Jassi to talk about what seemed like, my own pointless problems. I soon came to realise that I didn’t really know how much it was affecting my family, and myself until I had major word vomit, and babbled for an hour to a psychologist who pretty much put my chaotic thoughts into order with a snap of her fingers. I’m not saying she solved all my problems in one hour, she did however open up a can of worms and made me realise I’ve got a bit to work through than I originally thought. She gave me justification to my feelings and gave me tools to alleviate the stress and anxiety I was experiencing.
As Jassi was predominantly working nightshift after Zach was born, I was home at night looking after a new born baby thinking “what the crap am I supposed to be doing”. To say I bluffed my way through the first year is an understatement but I’ve always believed the saying Fake it ‘till you make it.. which is what i did, I suffered severe anxiety about someone breaking into my house, and not being able to quickly enough get to Zach, the dog and the cat and get the F out. It may not sound so bad, but when that’s all you think about until 3am when your partner gets home, can be quite debilitating. It got to the point where I was sleeping with my keys beside my bed in case I had to make a quick escape. I’ve never been in a situation where someone has broken into my home, or my privacy and security has been compromised but anxiety doesn’t make sense and it rears its ugly head at the worst imaginable times.
This post is not about getting sympathy or “likes”, it’s purely to let mums (and dads) know it’s totally normal to feel down, and it doesn’t make you a bad parent or partner. Seeing a psychologist works for me, but it might not be for everyone. Writing is a creative outlet that helps me put my thoughts and feelings in some sort of order and gets them out of my jumbled brain. There is so much fuss when a new baby is born, that a lot of the time people forget to ask the parents how they are feeling (yes, even after 4 or 5 months or 18 damn years for that matter). Remember to ask new mums and dads how they’re going, and I don’t mean the stock standard “Are you getting much sleep?”, “Is your baby a good sleeper?” “Is your baby a good baby?” I mean really sit down and ask someone if they’re okay. Because one of my friends did that after Zach’s pneumonia episode , and I burst into tears and that was when I had the realisation that everything was not okay.
I am in no way offering medical advice and each individual should contact a medical professional with any concerns.
About the Author
Hey! I’m Jess, a 20-something year old mum of a cheeky one year old; Zachary, partner to my wonderful best friend Jassi but more importantly, I’m a lover of cats & selfies. That pretty much sums me up… that and I’m a full time uni student, part-time employee and full blown time freak – Seriously, I hate being late. That being said, what makes me think I have time to start a blog? #yolo