17 Apr Journey into Motherhood
4.5 years ago my eldest daughter was born and so too was the start my life with anxiety. Before then I hadn’t really experienced much anxiety.
The mixture of pressures to be a “good” mum mixed with the disappointment of me not achieving all of what I thought was needed and what I had planned and me not meeting up to my extreme ideals helped to ingrains this.
As a first time mum I was consumed with ideals of how I wanted my experience to be. I had set my life full of expectations and wanted to create what I thought was a perfect atmosphere for a baby. I imagined a peaceful birth and a calm baby. I changed my diet to “clean” eating, stopped using so much makeup and cosmetics, I had the “perfect” birth plan organized. I meditated regularly and I had my heart set on a water birth. I felt I was doing everything right towards having a calm and peaceful baby but like most things in my life that I plan often when they eventuate they are sling slots in the opposite direction.
This was the start of my feeling of failure and guilt of not bringing my baby into the world the way I hoped. What followed was a reflux baby, nightly blocks of an unsettled screaming baby which nothing seemed to console her and which only enhanced my feelings of insecurity even more. As a first time mum I read too much, listened to others too much and was way too hard on myself. Every tear and tantrum I felt was a result of my lack of parenting skills and my incapability of providing a harmonious start for my beautiful baby spiraled me further into anxiety and worrying what others thought me as a parent and what effects I had put into my child.
If only I knew then that this part of my journey was not a result of me being incompetent but rather was a much more normal part of being a first time parent.
8 months after my eldest daughter was born, I fell pregnant with my second child.
With a highly sensitive and attached child already by my side I had little time be fanatical this pregnancy. I ate what I wanted and accepted the flow of it all. I didn’t have any of the obsessiveness of my first pregnancy and with the disappointment of my first birth not going to “plan”, I surrendered to the fact that all would goes as it would but I still hoped that this time I would get my water birth. I didn’t place expectations on it like my first birth.
My experience with Nadia was far quicker and more peaceful and although I still didn’t get my water birth I had more contentment. My biggest fear was how I would be able to split my love and energy between 2 small babies and be there for all their needs. Being only 17 months apart, the experience of a new born was still in my mind and I felt more capable. After feeling like a complete failure with Arielle, this was the baby that helped boost my confidence and make me feel like I was doing okay as a mum. ?
8 weeks ago I gave birth to my son. Being my 3rd and final pregnancy I wanted to do everything right. I felt being my last one it had to be perfect. I wanted to enjoy the whole process, I wanted to be peaceful and happy go lucky. I set unrealistic expectations and berated myself when I didn’t achieve them. I created anxiety for myself by setting expectations instead of relaxing and going with the flow. I felt tired and unsettled but was determined to right all my perceived wrongs from my previous pregnancies. I was determined this time…..3rd time lucky that I would get my long awaited water birth and finally things would happen the way I wanted. I had bought into what others were telling me and believed that because Nadia’s birth was much quicker and easier than Arielle’s birth that this one would be easier again. For that’s what they say right?!
I waked into a calm birthing suite feeling like confident and experienced mother. Little did I realise that yet again I would not get my water birth and in a few hours I would have to be removed to the main ward, monitors strapped on and would undergo the most confronting, challenging and emotional experience of my life.
Instead of welcoming a calm baby into a peaceful atmosphere with my midwife….I had a maconium baby (like Arielle), I had a baby who’s heart rate was dropping rapidly and a mother who’s over tired body was not functioning as it should. I was at risk of bleeding internally. I had a room full of medical staff. I had a baby born with the cord around his neck twice. A baby who instead of having skin contact straight away like my last 2, was taken by the doctors to have tubes down his throat to clear his lungs. I had a baby who had to be heel pricked every 2hrs to check his glucose levels because he was born over a certain size…..but at the end of the day I had a baby. A baby that dispite all that went on is calm, happy and healthy. A baby that made me realise my own inner strength, a baby that made me overcome every challenge I was faced with and pushed me to all of my limits and a baby that now every time I see him makes me realise I am blessed. ?
About the Author
My name is Tamlyn (Mama Yogi Tam) and I am a wife and mother to 3 beautiful children. I am passionate about empowering women to dedicate time themselves using holistic tools so they can “fill their cup” and best self. I believe self care is the key to happier, healthier families as we all learn to take care own needs in a loving and positive way.
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